Ep 14: Transcript
14. International Living, Legacy, and God with Kreis Beall, Author and Co-founder of Blackberry Farm
Brooke James: Hi everyone, welcome back to The Grief Coach. This is Brooke James, thanks for listening. If you want to find us on social, you can find us at @The_GriefCoach and find us online at www.thegriefcoach.co. I’m very excited because today we have Kreis Beall with us. She is the author of the memoir The Great Blue Hills of God, and co-founder of Blackberry Farm, which is located in Tennessee. Thank you, Kreis, for joining us today. Welcome.
Kreis Beall: I’m glad to be here.
Brooke: I'd love if you could just introduce yourself so the audience gets a sense of who you are, and if you could talk a little bit about what your experience with grief and loss is, because you've experienced quite a bit of loss in that short period of time.
Kreis: Well, Brooke, as you said, I am the author of a memoir called The Great Blue Hills of God that was recently released, and I'm also the co-founder of Blackberry Farm. I am the proud mother of two sons, seven grandchildren, and a great believer in God.
Brooke: Wonderful. If you could talk a little bit about your experience with grief, which I know prompted you a little bit to write this book, and just give the audience a little bit of context.
Kreis: Well, Brooke, I have as far as since 2016, I have lost my son, the father of five of my grandchildren, my father, and my beloved mother-in-law, Mary Anne, so it's quite a bit in the last four years. And just talking about grieving, you know I've learned that no one can take away the pain and the sorrow, and I have learned that you need to share your grieving. I don't remember exactly what friends said during those particular times, but I do remember their presence and the friends and the family that showed up day after day. You know, in the midst of pain, you get incredible glimpses of love and hope in the people around you, and you know that that will shore you up for tomorrow and the next day, and even the years later. It doesn't seem possible that that person is no longer in your life. You know, with Sam, I've learned to celebrate his life and all the love that Sam has left. He left his business and his estate in very good order, and that is truly a blessing. Four years later, we grieve and we celebrate Sam's legacy, love of his family, and his hospitality in the traditions he left us with that we still use every day. My father passing five months after Sam passed was a very different experience. It was a very difficult passing as he had slipped into dementia, and his last years really were not very pleasant. His business and his estate were left intestate. Legal issues still continue, and this is very, very difficult for my family, especially my 91-year-old darling mother. My mother-in-law, Mary Ann Beall, who passed away three years ago, was my hero. She focused on each family member through, really, truth and love. She was like a caring friend who was always there for each one of us. As her health failed, she remained a magnet of giving. And even after every visit, no matter how Mary Ann felt, I always felt better. She kept her liveliness and uplifting humor forever. Her spirit, even in her last day of hospice, she planned all the visits of her family members and talked to each one of us, and as she said goodbye to me, she said that she would soon be fishing with Sam in heaven. It was a beautiful last day, and Mary Ann lives on forever in the hearts of all that knew her. It is, you know, three very different experiences, but I think the one thing that unifies it always is all your friends and family that surround you, not only in your immediate grieving, but throughout the process.
Brooke: Yeah, and that's something that I think people who haven't experienced grief think that most grieving experiences are the same, and they're all, to your point, so different and require just noticing and giving them each the respect that as unique experiences they deserve. So, thank you for giving us some background on that. And I wanted to just also, the first time we talked, I don't think I realized that your mother-in-law was still talking on her last day in hospice. That's so lovely and lucky and beautiful that you got that. It sounds like a great last day given the circumstances.
Kreis: Oh, it was, I mean, it was very beautiful. And, you certainly can't expect that all the time.
Brooke: No, but what a gift.
Kreis: But grief is very universal. You know, we've just talked about death, which I think is best known for grief, but there are other encounters with grief, like the loss of a job, or the end of a relationship, or any other change that alters your life as you know, it, like moving, or health issues. And it's important to lean into all of the stages, and to recognize that grief can occur on other things.
Brooke: Yeah, it's been an interesting experience as I've been doing this podcast, I've had people reach out to me who have not experienced a death, but are grieving something, whether a job, a relationship, a marriage, whatever it is. And the first time people started reaching out to me with those comments, I was like, “But it's not the same,” and didn't really know how to handle it when people would say that. And I think I've gotten to a place where I realized, yes, you do grive big life changes, and it's interesting and I guess good that people are finding the podcast to be helpful in those other areas of their life outside of grief as it relates to death. But that was something that surprised me when people started to say that. If you could talk about, since you did have three quite unique experiences as they related to loss, what you learned about end of life preparations, how they're worthwhile even though they're often really hard to have. This is something I've talked about a few times on the podcast, but I think it's really worthwhile for people to hear as much as possible, because it is such a hard conversation. So, I'd love if you could talk a little bit more about that.
Kreis: Well, Brooke, I know that, I mean, it's sort of a cliche, but failing to plan is planning to fail. And I have, my goal right now is to plan every single thing. Not only my will, wills are very important, living will, written will, everything that your state requires, making sure. That's how you can love your family- make sure that everything is in order. So when you die- there's enough grieving- you don't want your family to grieve that your affairs are not in order, because you know the state can have control of it. Plan everything, legally and emotionally. The last will and testament can save so much heartache for a family. It can save money. It can provide you, if you take care of all the decisions and remove the burden of decision making from your family, you can live and die with a great peace of mind that you know that everybody is taken care of, that you loved them so much. That's what I want them to know, that I loved them so much that I took care of everything so that they would not have to do it, and they won't be burdened with more problems when I die. That's what I've learned, to remove the burden of decision making.
Brooke: Yeah, and I think that's such a great way to put it, of like you're doing this out of love for the people who are going to be so sad when you're gone and yes, it's so hard, but it's from a good place and it helps take care of people who are going to be likely devastated. Absolutely 100% agree with you there.
Kreis: I want people to know that I love them so much, I've thought about it before I pass so that they won't have to deal with it. I guess, because I've been in the hospitality business my whole life, I guess, I’m in the business, dead or alive.
Brooke: And one thing that, when we spoke originally, that you brought up that I really loved and thought was really beautiful was how these losses have taught you about intentional living, and the concept of how to have a beautiful death. So, if you could talk about that again so the audience can hear about it, please.
Kreis: Well, one thing that we always say about Sam and share and embrace is that Sam lived life to the fullest. He died very early at age 39, but we can say that he did everything, and that he gave as much as he could. Be with those that you love often, and tell them that you love them. Each day is a gift and say- you know, to live intentionally is to be in the present- say you're sorry if you hurt someone, ask for forgiveness, and in turn, forgive those that have hurt you. That's all intentional. You don't want to be on, I don't want to be on my deathbed and say, “Oh, I should've told them that I loved them or that I'm sorry.” Be with good people who hold your values that, as we always say, do the right thing and you're never wrong. Difficult things happen in life, and get help if it's necessary so that your problems don't become too big. A beautiful death is leaving, to me, Brooke, a legacy of love. Legacy is more than just material things and bestowment. Legacy and an intentional life can be the planting of seeds in a garden that you may never even see in your own lifetime. Legacy, and then living intentionally, is it can be like leaving behind traditions that your family and friends carry on and remember you by, and it makes them smile and feel joy. And really, as far as living an intentional life and how to have a beautiful death, it is to leave a legacy of love and kindness. And when people think of you, or me, I hope that that's what they remember.
Brooke: That’s really beautiful. That was very moving, and I started to tear up a little bit, because I think something that for me that has been really hard is the concept of, like family traditions, and my dad isn't gonna see me get married or have kids or any of that. And big holidays are still really weird, and how do you honor someone, and honor their legacy with the values they taught you, the traditions they taught you, the life skills, all of that is something that I think about a lot. So that you said that was perfect.
Kreis: Exactly. The way that you do that is you live it. And also, I mean grieving is, you know, is there is an acceptance of a new way of life, whether it's without Sam or without your dad. And, that there's still you have a lot to offer, and it's remembering them in all those holidays because grieving never goes away. It's sort of like, I think her name is Lois Tonkins’, Model of Grief. It’s sort of like an egg, a fried egg. Grief is the yoke, but your life is like the white of the egg that grows around your grief, okay. That it's all there, you don't expect, it's not going to go away in year two or three or four or five. Every holiday that Sam is not there and I look as his children like he is always with us, he's always at Blackberry Farm with all guests and everybody because of the love he left.
Brooke: Okay, I would love if you could tell us a little bit about what made you decide that you wanted to write this book? And how was it helpful for you? Was it cathartic to be writing? Just what you're hoping people get out of it.
Kreis: Well, I never thought that I would write a book. I am just as regular as anybody else, somebody who has success and failures and heartaches. And I gave a speech, and I was asked to write a book afterwards. It was not at all what people thought it was going to be, it was more about my internal life than my external life. I have worked very hard in the hospitality business, so I'm known for my external life. This is the first time I went on the interior. It ends up that my book was dealing with not only success, which I'm known for, but my failures and difficulties in life events that I’ve had, and how I've faced these difficulties and the failures. And yet, in that dark time, my soul emerged and I found deep joy. And today, after all of my success and failures and taking responsibility of all of them and being openly vulnerable, I'm very happily humbled, and I find that all of the above events in my life have guided me to a deep and a very abiding faith in God. God has a plan for each one of us, and there are different seasons in life. The season that I'm in now is very different than the one that I was in 20 years ago. And perhaps God's plan for me was to help others that have been knocked back by life’s setbacks, and to get up and define their purpose again. In my memoir, I took the risk of being known, and I share struggles and I show my vulnerability, and in doing so, I'm inviting people into their own personal authenticity. And sometimes, I hope that this gives people who otherwise wouldn't, permission to live in the reality of their own story. That it’s okay, none of us are perfect, you will still be loved for exactly who you are. Be authentic. And I've found sometimes that it’s the hardest things in life that make us the richest.
Brooke: Yeah, I think that that's a hard truth, but I really think it's true.
Kreis: Yes, exactly. And grieving is one of those hardest things.
Brooke: Yeah. Was it hard for you when you were writing? Like you hear of some people whose books just come out of them, or did you know what you wanted to say? I guess my question is, did it turn out differently than you thought it was going to?
Kreis: Well, it did, and it all began with that speech because the name of my speech, I had the name before I wrote it for publicity reasons, was The Passion of Home. My whole life has been about home, and a month later when I finished this 18 minute speech, I found out, well, early on, that for me, God is home. God is not a physical place, it is a spiritual place. And the book expounds on that and how I found God. Or rather, yes, how I found God. He'd always been there, I think, I’d just been turning the other way.
Brooke: And then, I wanted to ask you if there's anything else that you've learned on this journey that you think would be helpful for some of our listeners in processing their own grief? Or something that you wish someone told you, or just anything that you wanted to share?
Kreis: I'll just sort of be repetitive, and that’s to lean into it, and to accept it. Certainly acknowledge it, share with friends, let others be there for you, don't sweep it under the carpet. Let your life grow around it. It's part of living. It's the circle of birth, life, and death, and it is a very important part. I guess, and as far as advice goes, emotional advice, take care of everything, take care of all your affairs. Remove the burden, as I said, again, of the decision making for your family.
Brooke: I couldn't agree more. Alright, well thank you so much for joining us. Again, the book is The Great Blue Hills of God, and it's out now by Penguin Random House. And thank you so much for joining us. You can find us on social at @The_GriefCoach or online at thegriefcoach.co, and if you want to reach out, you have questions, comments, thoughts on topics for future episodes, you can reach out to hello@thegriefcoach.co, and thanks everyone.