ep 01: transcript
01. "I'm sorry for your loss" and other misguided things people say
Hi everyone, thanks for tuning into the first episode of The Grief Coach. You can find me on instagram @the_griefcoach and if you want to get in touch, email me at hello@thegriefcoach.co
I want to talk briefly about the reason I decided to start this podcast. My dad died this year. His time from his cancer diagnosis to death was only six months and in that time, and the time since he died, I learned all sorts of things I wish I didn’t know. The thing is, a lot of this is really important but we don’t know how to talk about it because as a culture we learn that death is a taboo subject. My goal is to create an easy to digest resource on grief, death and dying. And while there are a lot of us who have experienced a loss, there are even more of us who have been grief adjacent at some point in our lives. Someone you know has lost a grandparent, a parent, a brother, a sister, a friend, a cousin, a coworker. No matter how someone passes, sudden or expected, there are people who are left. So today we’re going to talk about how to talk to those people and how that changes over time depending on where they are in the grieving process and we’re also going to talk about what to send to the bereaved.
When my dad got sick, he was really pleased with how good his team was and was optimistic. People were of course supportive and helpful and because it was new, we were all optimistic. People asked questions about his treatment and his spirits. As time went on, he wasn’t getting better and with his doctors he decided to stop treatment. This is obviously an oversimplified version of events but I will get into more details on future episodes. I’m going to focus mostly on the time that he was in hospice and after he died because I think that’s where a lot of us struggle on what is appropriate to say. I do want to note that this episode mainly comes from the perspective of an expected death, but a lot of it is applicable to unexpected deaths as well.
While my dad was in hospice, one of the most common things people would say is “please let me know what I can do to help.” On the surface this is great, someone is offering to help you when you need all the help you can get. In reality, this was a really stressful thing for me to hear and then felt like the onus was on me to figure out 1) what do I actually need help with and 2) what’s appropriate to ask this person. How much time or effort could I reasonably ask them to put in? I responded to a friend once that my to do list was really hard and she said well if there’s anything that’s easy let me know. I’m sure that she meant easy for her to step in and take care of, something I could outsource. But nothing on my list of shit to do to deal with my dying dad was easy. I started to say to close friends “I don’t know. But if you can think of something helpful, just be helpful.” And they did. People offered to do laundry. My parents are divorced but when my dad was put in hospice my mom came out to be there with my dad, my brother and I. This amazing for so many reasons, but one of the biggest blessings was that when she is stressed, she cleans, and she did so much laundry. Have you ever been in a house where someone is doing hospice at home? Like loads and loads and loads of laundry a day. When family friends stopped by they would do the dishes or empty the dishwasher. One family friend offered to pay for a housecleaner to come. If your bereaved person has children, offer to step in and help with childcare. Or take them overnight. I think that actionable help like this is really meaningful because for most people, chores aren’t fun to begin with and unless you are using them as a way to distract yourself from the situation at hand, having help with household upkeep is amazing.
If you’ve gone through the hospice and loss process, you know people tend to tiptoe around you and they ask “How *are* you?” which is theoretically a normal thing to say. Except when you are watching someone you love die you feel like you got hit by a bus all the time. So if someone tells you they are “good” while they are watching someone they love die, they are probably lying to you because they don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. My answer to this question was often “one day at a time” or “one foot in front of the other” which I found to be a bit more respectful then “fucking terrible.” I think asking someone “What’s going on today for you?” is good because they can talk about their emotional state or talk about what they are actually doing. It allows them to bring the conversation where they want it to be. Another thing that I think is really important to say is “Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted? Or do you just want company?” This let’s the person who is going through a hardship decide if they want to talk about it or not, or if they just want to be with someone. And how helpful would it be for you to know what to talk to talk to them about! There were some days where I did want to be distracted and hear about a friends job woes or a date they went on because then I could feel some semblance of normalcy when it felt like my world was ending right in front of me.
After my dad died, condolences started coming in. “I’m sorry for your loss.” over and over and over again. And while I’m sure these people were sorry, I really didn’t find this to be helpful at all and in fact made me mad and annoyed. Every time I had to acknowledge this it was a chip away at what I knew to be my reality. This was real. He was really dead. I started hearting text messages instead of replying. Because responding thank you when my died had just died seems ridiculous - in hindsight this may have been the anger stage of grief. I also have always had a really hard time with “He’s always with you” it’s like right, yea sure, but he’s not here and I can’t call him or see him ever again. A lot of people said things to the effect of “his legacy lives on within you” which is totally a nice thing to say but I wish he was here instead. The things I found to be most meaningful were from other people who had lost a parent. One of my cousins said she cried every day for two years, and it doesn’t get better for a long time. For me, I connected to that. People would say this is horrible and I know nothing I can say will make this better but I’m here for you. For me, that was more comforting than “I’m sorry.” I also found it to be really respectful when people would start a text with please don’t feel a need to respond to this, because that acknowledged that the responding was overwhelming.
I had a lot of friends say to me: I don’t know what to say to you. And I always responded with “That’s a good thing.” every single person who is met with this response looks at me confused until I tell them: the reason you don’t know what to say to me is because you haven’t done this yet. The people who had gone through the trauma of losing a parent knew how to speak about it honestly and I don’t wish that on anyone. I’m glad most of my friends haven’t done this because it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I was speaking recently to a friend who lost her father and she said she does find it comforting when people who she doesn’t know very well say “I’m sorry for your loss.” She asked me what else were they supposed to say, they didn’t know him, and barely know her. And she brings up a good point. What’s the right thing to say to someone you’ve recently met, or when you didn’t know the deceased? I will say in the past seven months when people who are new in my life find out and tell me they are sorry, I say “Thank you, me too.” Depending on how the conversation is going I will say “thank you, it’s the worst.” I think we as the bereaved have an initial reaction to say “it’s ok” because we don’t want the person giving us condolences to feel sad for us or uncomfortable. Because death makes people really uncomfortable! And it will continue to do that until we are honest with ourselves about how earth shattering grief can be.
I think something that happens, and I don’t fault anyone for this but it’s just a reality. For about 1-3 months after your person dies, people check in all the time. They send you things and you feel like your grief is being acknowledged and respected. That starts to taper off. People think 1) condolence 2) flowers 3) funeral and then they feel like they did what they were supposed to do. And all of this is really nice! But because we as a society don’t talk about grief, we don’t acknowledge that as time goes on, it can get harder in a different way. Anyone who has experienced grief knows that your life never goes back to normal, and instead you have a new normal.
So, I'm 30 years old. Which is generally considered young to lose a parent. I want to take a few minutes to talk about the platitude that “time heals” because while yes it does, the grief never goes away. It changes, but it is always there. I think back to someone who I spoke with after the funeral and he asked me how I was doing and I said well I don’t really know what to do with myself now because all this stuff is done. And he is a really no nonsense kind of guy. He said “Well Brooke, you’ll be ok. Life goes on, you’ll find a new job, you’ll get married, you’ll have kids and you’ll be fine” And I felt like someone sucker punched me. Yes all those things would happen but my dad wouldn’t be there to see any of these big life moments. The man who said this to me had recently lost his father, but the man who said this to me is in his sixties. So his dad got to see him get married - twice, see him have kids, and see him excel in his career. And for the man who said this to me I’m sure “life will go on” brings him comfort in the loss of his father. But for me, I left and sobbed. So I tell this story to caution against using the term “time heals” because in talking to people who are at various stages in the grieving process and at different stages in their lives, time makes some things better and some things worse. The first few months after the loss were debilitating. I could barely have a conversation with more than one person at a time. This was not helped by the fact that people would ask what I was up to and it was like, well, my family and I are planning a funeral, and cleaning out my dads house so like generally not great.
Since it’s been a bit of time, people check in less. Condolence cards don’t come in the mail anymore. And ultimately, I’m significantly more functional than I was right after he died. I think part of that is I’ve been doing a lot of writing about grief and death, and part of it is just time. Though it still doesn’t feel real. I was at dinner with some girlfriends the other night and they asked how I was doing with everything. And I burst into tears at the table. The holidays are coming up and we always went out to my dad’s and christmas was always a big production at my dads house. This year we are making new traditions and will have a big family dinner with everyone in New York. But my brother and I agreed that he would sleep over at my studio apartment so neither of us woke up alone on Christmas day. Holidays, especially the first year, are really hard. And if you can check in with those who have experienced a recent loss around the holidays that would be really thoughtful.
Another thing I find really comforting is to talk about him. And I am in a situation where a lot of my friends met my dad and had friendships with him. Being able to talk about him is really nice, whether it’s “oh my dad always loved this” or cheersing him when we’re drinking martinis (because we all drank a lot of martinis when we were with my dad). Or whether it’s a more in depth discussion about the loss. But I do think people are scared to talk about him or the loss because they don’t know what to say. I think just acknowledging that this person existed and you haven’t forgotten about them is really meaningful to the bereaved. Most people who have experienced a monumental loss think about the person they lost all the time and want to talk about them. And most of the time we can do it without being overcome by emotion. I’ve gotten to the point where generally I can make it through a conversation with the tears coming but not leaving my eyes.
I want to transition a little and talk about some things to send besides flowers. While flowers are beautiful, if you have 10 vases of flowers arriving at the same time and then dying at the same time, how far does that go? Though I will say some girls I used to work with sent me the most beautiful flower arrangement I had ever seen and I loved them. Another group of friends sent flowers right when we had finished cleaning out my dads house. I thought that was really thoughtful and I was touched by them doing this. Personally, I really lean into the cliche with my condolence gifts. I like to send people candles, with a note that says I’m sending them light or if a friend is far away, I like to send a blanket with a note that says I hope this wraps you with love until I can give you a hug in person. See - super cheesy. But I think it’s meaningful.
I will say my friends were truly amazing and I felt so loved. It got to the point where my family was commenting on how many things my friends sent. When we were taking care of my dad people sent groceries so I could cook vegetables and people sent meals which was great. If you’re sending a meal to someone who is grieving or a caregiver, may I recommend a protein, vegetables and a little something sweet. For me, I feel really awful if I eat a lot of sweets or dairy so having something healthy was a way to strengthen my body when I needed it most. I had a friend who drove out from New York with her in-laws to bring me cookies and get me out of the house and take me on a walk. While we were doing that her in laws went and picked up healthy groceries for us. And then they left. It was such a simple act, and it was a surprise but it was perfect because it got me out of the house.
Friends sent hand lotion and face masks - a nice beauty product is a really good gift. I had a few friends go in on a gift card to where I get my facials. Your skin does all sorts of crazy shit while you’re emotional and you’re probably not drinking enough water, not sleeping enough and you’re probably drinking a lot of wine, so any hydrating skin products are a great idea. Several of my friends went in on gift cards to soul cycle which was amazing. While he was in hospice my uncle and I planned who got the early gym shift and who got the late gym shift - it was important for both of us to get out of the house and let all of this grief energy out for an hour a day. I also think a massage gift card is a great idea. We hold onto grief in our bodies, and I remember the first few massages I got after he died I would cry on the table while they were working out my body. That might have been just generally because I cried a lot during that time, but I think anything you can do to help the bereaved take care of themselves will be wildly appreciated. I’ve gotten friends gift cards to a manicure place. Hell, venmo someone $5 to get a fancy coffee. It’s ultimately about the thought and about having the bereaved do something to help take care of themselves and bringing a bit of comfort to someone who is probably really disoriented.
That’s it for today. In summary, as an alternative to “How *are* you?” try “Want to check in and see what’s going on for you today” instead of “I’m sorry for your loss” try “I know nothing I can say will make this better but I’m here for you.” Check in with people who have lost someone around the holidays, and don’t tip toe around their memory. The grieving person probably wants to talk their person.
Thank you for tuning into the first episode of The Grief Coach. I hope you found it helpful and I hope you tell a friend about it if you liked it, rate and review it wherever you listen to your podcasts. Next week we’re going to talk about dealing with grief on social media and I hope you subscribe if that’s something you’re interested in. We would love to hear from you - you can find us on instagram @the_griefcoach and email us at hello@thegriefcoach.co. Talk to you soon, thanks.