Taking Care of Yourself After A Loss

This time last year my world turned upside down. In March 2019 my cousin had a stroke, my employment ended, and my dad was put into hospice. Some of my family members and I moved out to his house full time to be with him. Watching my dad deteriorate was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. We had a team of us that was there full time and then several other family members and friends who were there almost daily. 

When you are caregiving for someone in hospice your normal changes drastically day to day as they get closer to the end. I was so stressed, sad and anxious and needed to figure out how to be fully present with my family but also take care of myself. My daily escape was going to the gym because I needed to get some energy out of my body. When I wasn’t at the gym, I was the power of attorney, hospice coordinator, pain medicine giver and a grieving daughter. Let me tell you, that was exhausting. It’s in my nature to want to take care of others, whether friends, my brother, and in this case my dying father. You know what is really hard to do? Take care of myself. Below are five things that really helped me when I was caregiving and then when I was grieving. 

Move your body - I already had a habit of going to the gym often and it was something that was so helpful during this time. I went to soulcycle or solidcore every day and it helped get a lot of my manic energy out. Sometimes I was worried that it was selfish of me to take this hour every day but looking back I’m so glad I did because otherwise I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. I also tried to take walks every day, sometimes with other people who were at the house and sometimes by myself. It was really important for me to get outside, which brings me to...

Spend time outside - After my dad’s funeral I went out to the west coast and when I walked out to the beach and put my feet in the water I just stood there and cried. There is something transformative about being in fresh air and being around nature. Whether it is walking, sitting in a park, hiking, or going to the beach please get your grieving self outside. I promise you will feel better. 

Take deep breaths - There is a reason people tell you to breathe when you are stressed out. When we’re stressed we end up breathing at less than our full lung capacity and these short, shallow breaths increase our anxiety. True story: the summer after my dad died I was diagnosed with stress induced asthma because I wasn’t breathing enough! If you breathe into your full lung capacity you will feel more calm and centered. Take a minute to remind yourself to do this periodically throughout the day - it’s something we all forget.

Meditate - Spend five minutes meditating. I did most nights before I went to sleep and it was really helpful in anchoring me, and thus allowing me to fall asleep when I was super stressed out and anxious.  

Nourish yourself - Eat whole foods, protein, vegetables, and try to limit alcohol intake. I made a big point to eat vegetables while all of this was going on because I emotionally felt so sluggish so I needed my food to energize me. I truly believe this made a difference.

Put Yourself First - It goes without saying that experiencing a loss is hard. Try to remember to put yourself first. Without thinking so many of us default to taking care of other people because we want to be seen as thoughtful, caring, strong, and indispensable. And while we should be there for people we love, we need to take care of ourselves first in order to be the best versions of ourselves around people. For me, taking care of myself meant using the above five principles to then be able to be there with my family during our loss. For you, it may look like something else. Find whatever makes you feel better and gives your strength during this time.

I know the above six things seem really obvious. But I found that some of them were the first things to go. When you are going through an emotionally difficult time - whatever that is - remembering to take care of yourself often falls down the list of priorities. But taking care of yourself allows you to be more emotionally present, no matter what you’re facing.